It’s Not About the Leash: Finding Calm Through Community
Host Lauren Cardillo sits down with UMGC student and nonprofit leader Sharon Grassi to explore her profound transition from a corporate career to becoming a full-time caregiver for her combat medic son. Sharon opens up about the "mama bear" advocacy required to navigate the VA healthcare maze, the loss of her professional identity, and the pivotal moment a paracord dog leash sparked a new mission.
Sharon explains the science behind her nonprofit, Co-Op Survival, revealing how the simple rhythm of weaving leashes provides bilateral brain stimulation that helps veterans and caregivers lower stress and connect. She also discusses her return to education as a Pillars of Strength scholar, proving that even after life-altering setbacks, it is possible to find a new tribe, a new degree, and a renewed sense of self.
Episode Information
Sharon Grassi:
It took me a very, very long time to tell somebody that I run a dog leash nonprofit. Our motto is it's not about the leash. And I think some of that came out of, you know, some of my ego, it's like, this is not what it's about. Bilateral brain stimulation is doing something. Right hand, left hand, right hand, left hand.
Sharon Grassi:
You're actually increasing the oxygen in your brain and you're slowing down your amygdala.
Narrator:
Welcome to the UMGC podcast Unstoppable Stories with your host, Lauren Cardillo.
Lauren Cardillo:
Today I'm joined by Sharon Gross, who is a corporate writer, designer turned nonprofit leader, caregiver for her wounded son from the military. Sharon, I got to ask you, the first really important question is how do you juggle all of that? I mean, you're going to school, you're helping him. You're doing other work with a nonprofit. What's your day like?
Sharon Grassi:
My day starts about 40. And it is juggling. There's, multitasking. I think most caregivers, you know, you're you're managing your own life, and then you're also kind of managing someone else's life. And so there's this, interconnectedness. What do I get to keep of me? And what do I have to do for him? And it is it's a massive juggle, and I rarely do one thing at a time, which is not healthy.
Sharon Grassi:
So there's always when you talk to caregivers, we're always talking about, hey, you know, are you slowing down to deal with your mental health and your mental wellness? More than more likely. And, that's a big one because we do over, over task.
Lauren Cardillo:
How did you end up becoming a caregiver? I mean, you were in a corporate world, doing, you know, as you said, like, you know, helping executives, right? Helping with design. And then you're thrust into a completely different world. How did that happen? You know, early on.
Sharon Grassi:
We go way back to 2005. My son joins the military. And as he as he went through the military, you know, we saw little, little indications that, what was going on, what was happening with him. Was changing who he was personality wise, sleep function, all of those kind of things. Physically, he had quite a few concussions.
Sharon Grassi:
And so as a mom, you just kind of go, okay, you know, you do the whole, like, you know, rocks and dirt on it and keep going. And that's kind of how the military hey, you know, you're good to go. Keep going. And at one point, he attempted suicide while he was active duty. And that was about the point that I realized, well, this is no longer.
Sharon Grassi:
Let's rock some dirt on it and keep going. This is a point of advocacy. And that was in 2013. I kind of stepped in the day after, and kicked kind of the mama bear mode in. I really had no idea that I was stepping into a caregiver world. I was just going on about what's going on.
Sharon Grassi:
How do we fix this? How do we keep you going? And that continued for about two years until he came out of the military in 2015. And we realized that he just was not. He had a lot of, a lot of medical issues that need to be dealt with with the VA. And I thought, okay, we have these all wrapped up and we just hand them to the VA and everything.
Sharon Grassi:
You know, they just take care of it. And and we had a lot of help from the, active duty side, people reaching out to the VA saying, hey, this is this is what this guy needs. And what do you think?
Lauren Cardillo:
What do you think brought on what? You know, you said concussions, you know, different things you could tell. But what do you think brought on his suicide? What he had to deal with it. Yeah.
Sharon Grassi:
So Derek, got himself into some trouble right after his third deployment. He didn't he didn't do anything horrible. But not violent. But he thought he was taking care of some of his guys, and he ended up in the middle of something that went wrong. And he had had a perfect, exemplary, you know, multi-year, multi-year, time in the military.
Sharon Grassi:
And it he didn't he didn't understand how to process that. He didn't know how to deal with it. He expected that everybody would look at everything in the light of day and kind of okay. And we move forward. And that wasn't happening. And he didn't know how to deal with it. He felt like he had let everybody down.
Sharon Grassi:
He didn't know how to move forward. And he wasn't processing things right. I tried to at the time that this was going on. I was trying to help him, and he said, no, no, no, mom, it's okay. We've got this. And then when he realized, no, we don't have this at some points, there are things within the military that you are owned.
Sharon Grassi:
This is how it goes. And that's what happened. And he he just gave up. He just said, I don't need to be here anymore. And so, so that was the point that I stepped in and, and I said to the military.
Sharon Grassi:
He is like your gun. So for Derek, if he didn't take care of his gun, he could get in trouble. So his commanders, I went to them and I said, look, he is your tool and you need to take care of him, and I will hold you to it. And so that's how we proceeded. And that is how we connected more into the medical side of it and the medical side of the active duty military.
Sharon Grassi:
What? Whoa, wait a minute. This guy needs to be taken care of. He said three deployments. He's had multiple concussions. He has PTSD that was diagnosed in 2007. We haven't done anything other than clean him up, dust him off. Rub some dirt on it.
Lauren Cardillo:
Right. It sounds like their version of rub some dirt on.
Sharon Grassi:
Right. The military version of rub some dirt on it. Put him back in the field because he's great at what he does. He was so good. He was a combat medic. Has for four years, actually got out of the military for almost a year and then went back in its infantryman because he he wasn't functioning well in the military or in any, a non active duty civilian.
Lauren Cardillo:
Yeah. Like society. Yeah.
Sharon Grassi:
Yeah. He didn't know how to function in society. And that's kind of where I step in. Once he came out was he really didn't he didn't do well. Functioning in society is great at supporting his veterans or his active duty military in a combat situation. Every single one of the guys I've ever talked to that were deployed with him were like, oh my gosh, this guy is great.
Sharon Grassi:
And he can make you laugh in the middle of being fired on, you know, it's like bullets are whizzing past. We're all laughing at something with Derek, it. So yeah, he was just one of those guys that was always on, always taking care of somebody else. But it was not taking care of himself.
Lauren Cardillo:
So you find yourself going to the VA with what you think are all these records, and you think they have them. Right. And what was your surprise?
Sharon Grassi:
Well, my surprise, you know, he was he had been at Walter Reed and and we have this beautiful package of like he needs this and he needs neurosurgery. And they had it all in these concise, beautifully done little paragraphs. And this is the doctor and this is what they found. And this is what he needs. It was beautifully packaged.
Sharon Grassi:
And I thought they had that. And along with all of his medical records, because he was active duty and, you know, all those medical records, I had a digital version of all of his medical records. So I assume that they had that to, and when I realized the, the first thing that came up was that they started putting him in therapy and like, physical therapy.
Sharon Grassi:
And I went, how how is this happening? He needs neurosurgery. Why are we doing this? He every time he goes to physical therapy, he's laying in a bed for three days in so much pain he can't handle it. So I'm talking to these medical providers while I'm also, you know, at work. I was working corporate America. I had finished my bachelor's degree, finally took me forever.
Sharon Grassi:
But at 54, I finished my bachelor's degree. And so I'm now working at a higher level in corporate America, and I'm standing in hallways talking to medical providers at the VA because you can't talk to about someone else. It's medical and it could be world, you know, it just doesn't work well. And, and so I started to realize that these federal providers had no idea what I was talking about.
Lauren Cardillo:
And why was that? What was their.
Sharon Grassi:
Their they just had, well, one of the things we'll talk a little tech now, Vista and Alta are the two systems within the VA for medical records. And they don't talk to each other. They go, of.
Lauren Cardillo:
Course, they don't connect.
Sharon Grassi:
And so we had these VA providers that had one system, and we had DoD providers that had another system. And that's something the government has been telling them to fix for a very long time, but has not been fixed right now. I think they're, transitioning to a new system, but, I, I would love to go in and help them understand how it's that system's not going to work either, because their terminology from one system to another and their naming conventions and the way they bring documents in, it's just it's a mess.
Sharon Grassi:
It's just not functional. You know, when you work in in Perfect World and you, every document has a number and a dash and, you know, and I can find and not an a bolt out of a, you know, million assembly product in a heartbeat. But, a provider at the VA could not find, the records that told him that my son needed neurosurgery.
Sharon Grassi:
So I had to hand carry documentation to them and say, here's, here's the documentation. And if you need the digital copy, I will give you all the digital records.
Lauren Cardillo:
I remember when we when we met last year, you said to me that at that point you became a not nice advocate.
Sharon Grassi:
And.
Lauren Cardillo:
Well, and I hope that's for a lot of women that's uncomfortable. So how did you sort of like you know, turn on that little switch?
Sharon Grassi:
You know, I think that that switch for me turns on, I'm, I'm extremely happy to help someone understand what they're missing. And I think a lot of providers in the VA are once you once you talk to them about, hey, I have this document, you need this document, and they're willing to say what's going wrong, then it's a matter of like, oh, we're a little screwed up.
Sharon Grassi:
I need your help. Absolutely. No problem. Let's work on this. It's those providers, and especially they administrative end of it that were unwilling to say that there was a problem. They got the mama bear, and they knew why they had the mama bear. At first they tried to blame me as this crazy woman that was coming in and, you know, oh, she she just wants more than her son deserves.
Sharon Grassi:
And, some of them no longer work at the VA. And I might have been part of that decision. But it was really. Yeah. As an individual, you hate to think that you have to go to that level to get someone to take care of a veteran.
Lauren Cardillo:
It's also necessary in this was for you to like, not do your corporate job anymore. And, you know, as you said, you put a pin in it, you know, how did that feel? I mean, yes, you of course you want to help your son, but you're also becoming a full time advocate, right?
Sharon Grassi:
Right. Initially it was like, you know, I'm just going to take this little piece of my life to the board. I'm just going to put a pin in it, and I'm going to come back to that. And that, that was kind of the conversation my husband and I had. You know, he was in a he was in a bigger stage in his career, and I was very involved in what was going on with Jared.
Sharon Grassi:
And we said, you know, I'm just going to I'm just going to get the VA straightened out and then I'll go back to work because I had taken student loans out to finish my degree. It was like me investing in me and my kids, my younger children were also going to college. So they're the parent loans. And so it was not going it didn't seem to be an option of, oh, well, I'm going to quit work and stay home.
Sharon Grassi:
That just wasn't something that was really on our radar. And, and then the longer it went and the more I realized that, you know, you would give you would give the V.A. a piece of paper and saying, hey, this is what needs to happen. And you think, oh, well, somebody is going to take that piece of paper and they're going to file it, and they're going to refer back to it the next time they need it.
Sharon Grassi:
Now, no, that did not happen. So I would get things settle and then another person would be in that situation at the VA that I had to deal with another administrator. And I said, oh, well, it's that document that I gave you, you know, two months ago. And they'd say, what documents? And I don't see any record of ever dealing with this.
Sharon Grassi:
I go, oh dear God. Oh. Okay, let's start from, you know, ground, you know, ground zero. And now we'll get it fixed again. And please put this in so that we don't have to do it again. I've dealt with the same issues with the VA three or 4 or 5, ten times on this same issue. So that again, they're they're documentation and their ability to grasp and kind of, coming from corporate world, you would say, you know, process improvement.
Sharon Grassi:
And again, I would love to go in and say, hey, let me just help a little, Yeah.
Lauren Cardillo:
Give me a contract. I can.
Sharon Grassi:
Fix this. And then we wouldn't even need me to help, you know, do some of this stuff with Derek. Was there was.
Lauren Cardillo:
There a point where you felt like regret or angry or jealous that you couldn't keep going with your career to make this happen?
Sharon Grassi:
Yeah, absolutely. There was, a huge grace period for me on the loss of my career. I think I had been building what I thought was my career, my life, my trajectory, since my early 20s. And I had given some of that up to raise children. And, you know, you do those things. Okay, I'm going to take a break and I'm going to do what's right for my kids.
Sharon Grassi:
I did not expect to be walking away from that career, from the financial stability of that career, from the ability to have, you know, the during vacations and, and have this thing that, you know, this life that my husband and I had planned everything changed. Everything changed. Luckily, my husband was good about recognizing that, you know, it's okay, we will just adjust.
Sharon Grassi:
But yeah, it was it was, many bouts of anger and, difficulty getting through, loss of friendships, loss of career, loss of, you know, this ability to connect with people because everything you're doing is completely changed and foreign than it had been prior. Where I could talk on a technical, you know, enjoy talking technical to someone that I worked with in the past.
Sharon Grassi:
Now, I was in this medical field and it was like, I don't really enjoy talking about medical issues. That's that's not my thing. So that was a huge adjustment.
Lauren Cardillo:
So for those listening, watching, once again, you are watching Unstoppable Stories with our guest, Sharon Gracie. If you want to hear more stories like this, don't forget to like or subscribe. So going back to what you were just saying about you changing sort of what you were doing in life, how did you end up then developing a nonprofit, you know, how did you end up with dog leashes, dogs?
Lauren Cardillo:
I mean, that was like a big left turn. Where did that come from and how did it help? Huge, huge left turn.
Sharon Grassi:
When Derek was at Walter Reed, and because of the the chaos that happened while he was active duty, he was at Walter Reed, kind of at the end of his, time in active duty. And he had zero money and this, that that's a whole huge other story, which the military had to deal with. But at the time, you just had nothing.
Sharon Grassi:
And it was Christmas while he was at Walter Reed. And so he went to the parks and he bought some paracord, and we were at home training what was going to be his first service dog. She was, beautiful that go Great Pyrenees, massive, huge. And, and so he made this dog leash out of paracord and sent it home for a Christmas present for us.
Sharon Grassi:
And it's basically the same, same leash that we make. Now, a few adjustments to, to make, to make it a little bit stronger in places. But, really, it's pretty much the same leash and it was, really cool. We, we really liked the, the design. And when he came out of the military, a lot of people have been asking us about this leash we were using, and Derek couldn't work.
Sharon Grassi:
He couldn't really do anything. And so we said, hey, Derek, let's make some leashes and we'll turn it into, like, this business for you. And we kind of built this business for him, for the of the dog show. Some people were buying them. And then we finally got the VA to recognize that he needed neurosurgery, and he had neurosurgery, and it was not a good neurosurgery.
Sharon Grassi:
It was, he actually got worse than better, and he couldn't make dog leash this anymore. And so we had, as you can see behind me, not the same pair of board, but we had just a ton of paracord that we kind of thought, well, maybe that's that's going to be a cool thing. And he couldn't make leashes.
Sharon Grassi:
And so I had all this paracord that sat for about two years while we were dealing with what are we doing and how do we do it? And I was in the middle of still trying to figure out how do I go back to work. I tried a few times to go back to work and employers just did not understand.
Sharon Grassi:
I've had a couple of employers say, well, this is your adult son. What do you mean you need to help him? So that was that was really, again, difficult for me to realize. I might not be able to go back to work, not because I can't work, but because employers don't understand what this is. And,
Lauren Cardillo:
Well, it's sort of it's sort of invisible to them.
Sharon Grassi:
It really is. It really is. And you have these ideas in your head of like, you know, this is an older woman coming to work for us and for us. She's not going to be having babies and she doesn't need to, you know, take these breaks that the younger women have. And they didn't realize, oh, no, she's a caregiver, the disabled veteran.
Sharon Grassi:
And she will need to maybe work from home, which was totally possible, but not in their eyes. So anyways, that was about the time that I started reaching out and looking for my community. My tribe, and I found the Elizabeth Dole Foundation and I, I became an Elizabeth Dole fellow, kind of, I guess they saw in me something that I really wasn't ready to see in myself, but it was more of a, a need to find other caregivers in my area which did not have a good group that was kind of like.
Lauren Cardillo:
They saw that you had the initiative and the energy, but wanted to connect you.
Sharon Grassi:
Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I think there was I mean, I did apply it wasn't like they said, hey, you should be a hey, you. But I did see, I saw the need to kind of do more and, and again, I was trying to go back to work. I was trying to take the pin out and say, no, no, no, I'm still over here.
Sharon Grassi:
This is my life way over here. Can I still have it? And, so it was. I was trying to find something to. I was trying to find, you know, who am I still, I, I'm not ready to just be one of the crowd. I'm still I still want to give back. I still want to be productive. And,
Sharon Grassi:
And so it was in that time that I was connecting with other caregivers, and we were trying to figure out what to do. And, we have a couple of caregivers that still laugh at the fact that we tried bath bombs, and we tried bracelets and we tried, you know, what are we going to do together? And one of them said, don't aren't you making dog leashes at home to give to veterans?
Sharon Grassi:
Because I was trying to get rid of the paracord and, and I said, well, yeah, but do you guys really want to do that? And I said, yeah, yeah. So I brought paracord in and it was it was a huge catalyst for caregivers who didn't know how to sit together and just have a conversation. All of a sudden we were all sitting at the table and some were listening and some were talking, and everybody was getting happy.
Sharon Grassi:
And they were really excited about being able to give these leashes to the veterans. They, you know, I know somebody that has a dog that's a veteran. And, you know, you had all of these stories started coming out about who they wanted to give them to. And, and that's kind of the trajectory we write down. And then we run out of paracord.
Lauren Cardillo:
You're like, I'm done here.
Sharon Grassi:
I think my work is done. And, they wanted to continue. And I said, well, do we have to transition it to, nonprofit so that we can, you know, make this continue because I'm not footing the bill for this. And we did. It took quite a while, but some of the caregivers that were there, stepped in and helped to transition it.
Sharon Grassi:
And yeah, that's where I went from corporate America to dog leashes, which was a huge ego thing for me, too. I had a really, really hard time with that. It took me a very, very long time to tell somebody that I run a dog leash nonprofit. And it's still our motto is it's not about the leash.
Sharon Grassi:
And I think some of that came out of, you know, some of my ego, it's like, this is not what it's about. It really isn't. It's not what?
Lauren Cardillo:
Well, I remember you telling me when we met that there were two things that, like you, that happened when people made dog leashes once. It was the whole coordination thing, which was fascinating, but also people who weren't going to talk. Once you sat them down to make a dog leash, they had things to say.
Sharon Grassi:
Yeah, yeah, it really is interesting. The coordination thing is bilateral brain stimulation, which again, we didn't really understand. Everything kind of came to us as we were making dog leashes, that thing that we all felt as caregivers that that helped us sit down at the table. Bilateral brain stimulation is doing something. Right hand, left hand, right hand, left hand.
Sharon Grassi:
You're actually increasing the oxygen in your brain and you're slowing down your amygdala. And so as, as you're making a dog leash, you're actually changing the brain chemistry, which gives you kind of this ability to not be so stressed. You reduce that fight or flight, and you can just kind of hang out and listen. And so that was from those early days.
Sharon Grassi:
All of the caregivers said, I don't know why, but I it's kind of zen like making a dog leash. And we all went, yeah, that's kind of cool. But it really it really was this, this, real physical change that was happening us that made it okay to just sit there and listen to somebody and be okay with it and kind of be happier about it at the end.
Sharon Grassi:
And not be stressed.
Lauren Cardillo:
What does your son think of this? The fact that you've you've you've started this nonprofit that started with his dog.
Sharon Grassi:
Yeah. Yeah. Every time something grows with the nonprofit, he just, he really is proud of what has come out in this. He's surprised, I think, especially the first couple of years when I would say, hey, we're going to, you know, continue with us as a nonprofit. And he kind of go, really? Okay. That's cool. And the events that we have, he's like one of the best examples for the community members that join.
Sharon Grassi:
He comes in, and just is there. He's present and prior to having events like that, he would have hovered on the outside. He never would have walked into, an American Legion or VFW or an event where there was a crowd of people and said, hi, or come in with this dog. It just was not in his wheelhouse to do that.
Sharon Grassi:
After after, you know, with the TBI and the PTSD, he would hover on the outside of communities. So the first time, if he walked into an American Legion, the people that were making dog leashes, which were veterans and community members, they were like, oh, that's your son. And I said, no, this is the first time he's ever walked into an American Legion.
Sharon Grassi:
And these guys, just like, I don't understand, why would he not be okay? And they went over and talked to him and talked about the military and talked about his dog. And they were just so accommodating and, and kind and, and they are now starting to realize that there is a disconnect for some veterans in not knowing how to walk into a crowd, when they walk, when they walk in and say, well, I'm just here to make dog leashes all of a sudden, that's not weird.
Sharon Grassi:
You know, if they walk into an American Legion and nothing is going on and they're just they're in their minds and they and everybody in, in, in that crowd might kind of go, oh, why is he here? But we kind of take that away. And that's been a huge growth. And for him he sees that. And you know he's the ultimate caregiver to himself as you know a former medic.
Sharon Grassi:
So for him to see that, hey, this is really helping other veterans kind of walk into community and feel comfortable and that he's really proud of that. About that.
Lauren Cardillo:
How does that make you feel when you when you see how far he's come? Oh, you know, from those moments it's huge. Huge.
Sharon Grassi:
You know, one of the things for me is my concern, what happens, you know, parent care from older. So what happens when I die, you know, will he be able to connect with others? Will he isolate to a point where he's just going to, you know, take his own life again and succeed next time? And so that's always a concern for us, is that we want others to be part of his community.
Sharon Grassi:
And we want you know, that same thing for other veterans. We have, you know, the issue with veteran suicide. And a lot of that is veterans that don't know how to step into community, don't know how to participate, don't have a tool to do that. And we see a lot of veterans, especially women veterans. Oh my gosh, we have a ton of women veterans that come in to a lot of our events where a lot of times they just don't feel comfortable walking in your crowd, but they seem to feel really comfortable walking in and making a bunch of dog leashes.
Sharon Grassi:
And so that's been really cool to see. Yeah, it's it's just always a really big surprise to see the people that come in and, and, enjoy being a participant.
Lauren Cardillo:
How many do you think you've made by this point and do you have one you can show us?
Sharon Grassi:
Oh my gosh, I think we probably made about 2000 leashes because we tend to make somewhere between 4 and 500 a year. And we've been doing this for quite a few years, maybe more than that. I've I haven't.
Lauren Cardillo:
Had one hanging around there.
Sharon Grassi:
Let me see. I have a couple back here. There we go. Oh, I see you can't see if you can see. Oh, I love it. Those are our dog leashes, so double handle. This is exactly how it was made. That exactly. There is a little a little stronger right here. We have two handles. Yeah. So. And, paracord.
Sharon Grassi:
So this is the same kind of a knot that the military uses, which is why Derek chose this knot, for a survival bracelet. So if you this is about 70ft of paracord. So if you had a pair with this leash in your car and you got stuck somewhere, this is 550 paracord and you could survive, it would be debris.
Sharon Grassi:
Something on naked and afraid that somebody would say, hey, I want paracord. You can actually use it. So yeah, it's it's one of those things. It's a it's a survival mechanism. It's tied to the military. Even the name, co-op survival. A cooperator in the military, someone that helps, the military survive. They're connecting and cooperating, in the civilian world.
Sharon Grassi:
So we're kind of, you know, crossing into those transitions in the civilian world. Co-op survival is a gaming term. And it means, it's a group of individuals that really don't have a whole lot of connection to each other that are helping then helping each other through difficult transitions. So. And Derek actually chose the name, actually he wanted co-op tactical and I meant no on that survival cord.
Sharon Grassi:
So let's do this anywhere that okay. So and at that time we said, oh, well, but that's a gaming term. And I went and I looked it up and I went, Derek, that's a perfect gamer. So yeah, it actually fits exactly what we're doing.
Lauren Cardillo:
You put a pin in it and then you find out there's a scholarship where you can get a master's in your whatever field, in your case, strategic communications. And all of a sudden that thing you put a pin in, it doesn't have a pin anymore. I mean, how did that sort of happen for you that now you're going down a different career path, right?
Sharon Grassi:
Well, I, I, I had known slightly about the scholarship, through the Elizabeth Dole Foundation for a few years. But we had the, the college loans hanging over our head. And I told my husband, I am not going to go back to college until we can get rid of these college loans. And we were very, very focused over the last couple of years.
Sharon Grassi:
I did a lot of work with the Dole Foundation. Financial wellness, and there's not a lot of financial wellness for the older generation. It's like, just pay everything off and you know, try to not spend. And, so that's what we were doing, and, about a week before the deadline for this round that I applied for, the pillars of strength.
Sharon Grassi:
Are we finished paying off the last student loan and someone from the Dole Foundation, one of the staff members did a last ditch. Hey, you guys, there's five days left, you know, to apply, and it hit my email, and I went, I, I could go back to college. I could actually, do this. And I had already made this commitment to myself that I was going to really dive in to the nonprofit, and I was going to do the things that I wanted to do for work for the corporate world.
Sharon Grassi:
I was going to do that for the nonprofit. And so when I looked at the college degree programs and I went, oh, communications, strategic communications. Yeah, that fits what we do. Because we also do retreats for caregivers and we work on communication skills. We work on pulling the pin out and talking about it. And how do we move forward.
Sharon Grassi:
And I thought, oh my gosh, how hypocritical. If I'm offered an option to move forward, I don't take it so far. So I applied and I reached out to Pillars of Strength and I said, I'm applying, but I know I have five days left, so, you know, just bear with me. I'm going to throw this out. But I'm a technical writer, so I might be able to kind of pros and stuff together.
Sharon Grassi:
And I did, and they were so good to work with. They were so kind and they were so good about, you know, just get this done. Don't worry about this piece. Worry about this piece and get it to us and we'll we'll do what we can. And so that's what I did. And then just kind of close you up and said, you know, what will be, will be and, here I am, loving and hating some of the minutes because, you know, a master's program is a little difficult, but it's so it's been so, wonderful at each step to pick up some of the things and apply them to what we
Sharon Grassi:
do and apply them to some of the communications that I have within the VA and other organizations that, I can see is, is I'm in the right place. I'm grateful to be in the right place. It's wonderful.
Lauren Cardillo:
So you're you're doing Umbc classes online this semester. Is there something that makes you go, this is really exciting or you're dreading it?
Sharon Grassi:
You know, I think every semester has been something that I absolutely dread. And now really every semester the content has been so insightful, even for me to understand, like, social identity is something that comes up. You know, you're studying theories of communication. I think for caregivers, we lose our social identity. We have this social network that we've built, and that's when you put the pin in it.
Sharon Grassi:
And go, I will come back to this, I will I will be able to, you know, maintain my social circle, my social identity, my work identity, my home identity. I'll be able to go back to that. And by the time you go back, it's like, you know, everybody has moved on, things have changed. You know, you just can't reclaim that.
Sharon Grassi:
And so I think in the classroom that I had it's really, really interesting to see how that communication piece ties in, how understanding that helps others understand how we can treat getting and be okay with the next social identity and then, you know, move on.
Lauren Cardillo:
How is your son doing now and how does he feel about what you're doing?
Sharon Grassi:
Yeah. Well, with someone with PTSD and TBI, there's always, positives and negatives. We just went through another bout where he had some medication changes and we dealt with, and assisted, the attempted suicide again. It was a difficult thing, especially in a very difficult semester. But I knew that if I quit what I was doing, he would be he would feel guilty.
Sharon Grassi:
He would feel so guilty because he's so proud of what we're doing, how I'm moving forward, how we change as a family and we continue to grow and to kind of try to make this the best that we can. And he knows that I've lost some of the things that I wanted, but they transitioned into things that I didn't know I wanted.
Sharon Grassi:
And so I think he's really proud of that. I know he's really proud of that. I know that he enjoys and is very supportive of the things that I do. So I'm, you know, absolutely, wonderfully grateful to his support, my husband support, in in this stage of life that I never expected at my age to be doing this.
Sharon Grassi:
But, yeah, I'm I'm extremely happy. And for all the support.
Lauren Cardillo:
When this all first started, sort of the idea of you're screaming and no one's listening, you've now sort of evolved from that. What would you give? What advice would you give to someone who's new to this and has that same feeling right.
Sharon Grassi:
You know, I think we're all so different in the position that we're at when we start to realize that we're advocating for someone. And in my situation, I, I didn't even know the words to use the people that connect with, and it did. It felt like I was standing in a, you know, a cavernous airline airport hangar and and screaming.
Sharon Grassi:
And, you know, nobody knew what I was saying or nobody was there. And it was very, very difficult to know where to turn. And so I think for others, when you're first starting out, I think, you know, it's so important to find your tribe. But even before that, it's really important to just kind of really grasp, what is it you need?
Sharon Grassi:
What it what are you looking for? What what kind of help you need? Because once you find your tribe and you just stand there going, I don't know what I need. You know, I don't I don't, really kind of, taking a moment, to yourself and and knowing what am I trying to do in those first few years, I made so many bad decisions, so many times where I.
Sharon Grassi:
I just didn't know who to connect with. So sometimes it's coming into a tribe and saying, how do I ask about this doctor? Or how do I find out about this doctor? How do I get this medical record? How do I do? And I think as you're slowly just focusing on what do I need? What do I need, you start realizing who is your tribe, who is there for you, who is connecting and who isn't?
Sharon Grassi:
It's sad to see the the people that that fall away in those situations, but it's really, really wonderful to see, you know, who becomes a member of your team? Who's there no matter what? Who can handle that call? And and again, I can't say enough about the Elizabeth Dole Foundation because sometimes those questions come at 2 a.m. and three I, and there are, portals and, and, social media, platforms that that are within the Elizabeth Dole Foundation that at 2 a.m. I can put something out and I get an answer, I probably get 4 or 5 answer.
Sharon Grassi:
And so it's really, really important to start having that kind of, response and support and then finding those tribes and defining what you need beyond that for your mental well-being. Because you do, you will take on this multitasking extravaganza that you never thought you would be able to handle. And so you need to know when to stop, when when you have to stop.
Sharon Grassi:
And that.
Lauren Cardillo:
Thanks so much, Erin. We love having you. And really loved you sharing your stories. They were inspiring and just, you know, it's a slice of a world that many of us don't see. So thank you. And for everybody listening and watching. Please remember to like and subscribe. If you want to hear more unstoppable stories on your favorite podcast platform, ill.
Lauren Cardillo:
Till next time. Thank you so much. Thank you Sharon.
Sharon Grassi:
Absolutely. Thank you for having me.